There are times, gentle reader, when a massage is not an indulgence; it’s a basic human necessity. No, really.

 After a rather trying flight home from Rio my poor shoulders were crying little tears of disbelief and sadness. They’d carried the weight of the world, across the world! I did rather overdo it on the souvenirs front. There was nothing for it but to place a desperate call to the Lush Spa in Leeds and hurry in for a treatment. You’d have done the same thing.

 Lush are known for creating beauty products with an English, eccentric twist, and the spas are no different: there is no panpipe music, no sterile white room, no spray-tanned therapist. Instead you feel like you’re visiting the home of a dear friend. A slightly free-spirited dear friend who possibly dabbles in white magic. Vintage teacups, jars of mysterious tea labeled “Peace”, “Perspective” and “Esteem” line the walls; there are even flying ducks! It’s delightfully retro and instantly reassuring.

I chose The Good Hour treatment: a sea shanty-themed deep tissue massage that promised to stretch and manipulated my muscles as if they were the ropes of a ship. I was also promised the music of Captain Pugwash, a sea biscuit and rum. How could I refuse?

After a necessarily sensible consultation about my aches, pains and medical history, I was led around the store hand-picking the elements of my treatment – a seaweed bath ballistic, frozen eucalyptus jelly discs and a peppermint massage bar (Magic Muscles? I would love some of those!) before returning to the spa for the big event. 

When I was invited into the treatment room it was mysteriously bathed in green light, a bath ballistic and dry ice “sea” bathed my feet, and the creaking of the boat and birdsong surrounded me…gosh! I half expected Jack Sparrow to emerge from a corner.

All of Lush Spa’s treatments have music composed for them and the sea shanties of the Good Hour were entertaining, and created a truly unusual and immersive experience. The massage itself was comprehensive; my therapist found knots and aches in muscles that I didn’t even know existed and used stretching and pressure pointing techniques to magic them away.

As the treatment progressed, I melted into the bed and the shanties became more and more intoxicated until, finally! The distinctive theme song of Captain Pugwash really is used. Amazing.

Although I was sad that the massage itself ended, the final part of the treatment, when I poured my now-deliciously-floppy body into one of the kitchen chairs for a rum-spiked tea, a ships biscuit (ok, two) and a natter with my lovely therapist was the perfect transition to the rather flat Real World.

You have never been anywhere quite like the Lush Spa, and until you do, you really can’t say you’ve ‘experienced’ a massage treatment. Check them out – I truly don’t believe they’ll ever have a one-off client.

Treatments start from £40, visit their website  for details of other treatments, videos, interviews with the spa team and lots of lovely photos and music.